If you’re anything like us, your
sexual encounters are usually
pretty awkward. Once you’ve
been with a girlfriend or
boyfriend for a while, they get
used to your particular style and
you’re in the clear, but you’ll
never reach that point if you
don’t make it past first-time sex
with a new partner. Here are
the 7 Stages of First-Time Sex
with Someone:

1. The "Determining if You’re
Going to Have Sex" Stage
A lot of people flirt in social
situations, and sometimes it’s
incredibly difficult to determine if
someone is actually interested in
you, or if they just want attention
and that feeling of power that
comes from a good, rigorous
cockteasing. Luckily, the rules
are totally different in one-on-
one situations, and there are
very few people who can be
deliberately sexually misleading
when it’s just the two of you.
Those people are known as
"girlfriends" and they tend to
operate like an M. Night
Shyamalan film: they always
make it seem like something is
going to happen, and then you
suddenly realize that you’ve
spent the last two hours listening
to her talk about something that
you don’t give a shit about.
Other than that, if you’re getting
strong sexual vibes from
someone that you’re alone with,
then there’s a pretty good
chance that he or she is
interested in having sex with
you. Your intuition about sex in
this situation works the same way
as the intuition that you get
when you find mysterious
leftovers in your refrigerator:
whatever you immediately think
it is, there’s a really good chance
that you’re right.
2. The "Psyching Yourself Up"
There are two ways to psych
yourself: up, and out. Try to
avoid the latter at this stage.
Psyching yourself up for sex is
pretty easy. Just try to picture
any porn that you’ve ever
watched. You know how
sometimes you saw the guy’s
face, and it made you really
uncomfortable? Well, imagine
those parts, and put your face
on his body. The vision of you
banging a hot pornstar in your
head will do the trick for you. If
you’re still having trouble, just
keep reminding yourself that
you’re going to be having sex
pretty soon, and that first-time
sex is a lot like one of those
weird parking lot carnivals that
you see in small towns: it’s kind
of creepy, and really sweaty, and
there’s a good chance that it’s
not going to be safe at all, but
afterward you’ll be glad that you
experienced and survived it, and
at the very least you’ll get a
good story out of it.
3. The "Physical Checklist"
This stage pretty much goes
hand-in-hand with the previous
stage. Shortly after psyching
yourself up for sex, you’ll start to
think about the physical state of
your balls, and how that might
effect the outcome of your
evening. How long has it been
since you last showered? Do
your balls smell like the lunch
buffet at an Indian restaurant?
What pants are you wearing
today? The ones that breathe
pretty well, or some stuffy jeans
that you found in your dirty
laundry underneath a jerk off
sock? When is the last time you
trimmed your pubes? Did you
wipe your ass really well after
the last time you dropped a
deuce? All of these things will
run through your mind in a
millisecond. Imagine that you’re
a small, malnourished Phillipino
child at the end of a Nike
assembly line: if you’ve missed
something and you don’t catch
it, there’s a good chance your
day is going to end with
someone saying, "go back to the
hole you came from. You
disgust me!"
The important thing to
remember is that, at this stage, it
probably doesn’t matter that
much, unless you’ve determined
that, say, it’s been three weeks
since your last shower, or that
you just shit your pants an hour
ago. Otherwise, you’re probably
4. The "Do I Care if the Other
Person Enjoys It?" Stage
Like it or not, this is a pre-sex
stage that you’re going to have
to deal with. It’s very important
to determine whether or not you
care if your partner enjoys the
experience or not, because this
will determine how you perform
in the heat of the action. There
are several factors that come
into play when making this
determination: are you ever
going to see this person again
after tonight? Do you ever want
to see this person again? Will
this person converse with
someone else that you’d
eventually like to have sex with?
The answer to these questions
will help you to better determine
your course of action as the
evening plays itself out. It’s like
deciding if you can eat your
friend before embarking on a
19th century fur-trapping
expedition with them in the dead
of winter: sure, you’re not
planning on consuming them to
survive, but it’s definitely
something that you should keep
in mind, just in case.
5. The "Actually Having Sex"
The "Actually Having Sex" Stage
is easily the most difficult to
manage. When you’re having
sex, everything is as blurry as
that scene in Taken where Liam
Niesen is driving down the wrong
side of the street at 100mph.
Your mind is overwhelmed, and
thinking too much is only going
to hurt you.
It’s best to just sit back, relax,
and try to focus on something.
Welcome the tunnel vision that
comes naturally, and just focus
on whatever is right in front of
you. If it’s a boob or a butt
cheeck, grab it. If it’s any other
body part, kiss it or lick it,
depending on how things are
unfolding. You probably won’t
have much time in this stage, so
attempting to analyze anything is
just going to be a waste of
valuable time and focus, like a
halftime speech from Herm
Edwards. It’ll be over soon
enough, anyway.
6. The "Excuses" Stage
Having sex is like murdering
someone: if it goes well, you
don’t need an excuse.
Unfortunately, most of the time
it’s incredibly messy, and you’re
thinking "jesus christ, what the
fuck was I thinking?! I need to
get out of here right now." At
this point, usually you’ll come up
with a variety of excuses to
explain your shitty sexual
performance, ranging from "this
never happens to me" to "you
were making a noise, so I
thought that you were liking
what I was doing". The
important thing to remember
here is to never apologize, no
matter how terrible your
performance was, and then
attempt to fade off into obscurity
and only show up when there’s
a party you absolutely have to
attend. I call this "The George
W. Bush Theorem":
7. The "Should I Eat Something
Before I Leave?" Stage
When you have sex, your body
goes into a primal stage; you’ve
satisfied the impulse for
procreation, and now it demands
that you feed yourself.
Unfortunately, your body
doesn’t take into account
"pulling out and accidentally
shooting your ejaculate onto a
picture of your date’s deceased
relative". So, you then use your
evolved brain to decide whether
or not the situation is too
awkward to feed yourself. A
good way to tell if this is the case
or not is to ask yourself: "if this
were a movie starring Seth
Rogen, would studio executives
immediately greenlight a
sequel?" If the answer is yes,
then it’s already far beyond
awkward, and it can’t get any
worse. You might as well help
yourself to whatever’s in the
fridge before you head out.


Anonymous said…